Sometimes, you have to decide to show up and stay.

The day this photo was taken, I remember this day so vividly. In a bucket of tears, walking home from the crawfish boil that evening, I kept repeating to my brother on the other end of the phone, "I made it. I made it through today. I went, I remained present, I didn't break down, I didn't cause a scene, I made it." 

I could sense his confusion by the silence on the other end. I expected him to say something like, "but... the day isn't over?" or “you’re breaking down now…” Instead, he took a deep breath and said, "I am so proud of you. Why don't you go rest tonight. You did so good today."  I continued to sob as he held on to the other end of the phone. Just a few moments after walking in my front door, I grieved deeply, I wept and then I fell asleep.

The irony of grief is that the person you need to talk to about how you feel is often the person that you can't. That day, I didn't want to face grief. I didn't want to go broken and honestly, I almost didn't go at all. But, sometimes you just have to show up and choose to stay.  

There is a letter written by Paul in Philippians that says this,  "I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith,  so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me. (Philippians 1:20-26)

Over the last year, I've found strength through Paul’s letter and have often found myself resting in those same truths. Truth number one, in no way will I be ashamed for through Christ I have sufficient courage. Truth number two, living in the body produces fruit and it is necessary for my growth to remain. 

This is as much for me as it is for you.

We must walk in Faith and not our feelings. We must show up confidently and know that it is necessary for us to remain planted.

Even if it's uncomfortable, show up and seek Him. Even if it doesn't make sense, show up and seek Him. Even if it doesn't feel good, show up and seek Him. Eagerly expect that He will supply you with sufficient courage when you choose to remain.