A Single Thought
I first felt it scrolling Instagram at 10:02pm. First mistake. I saw a picture of a friend who had recently gotten married. It was a picture of her husband and it was captioned, “don’t know what I did to deserve him but I’m thankful God gave him to me.” She’s a good bit younger than me, which doesn’t actually make a difference but it does to me. Before I could even stop my emotions a tear dripped from my right eye and on to my pillow. These words have been spinning in my head ever since. I’ve asked God to send someone else to write this. I keep clausing Him with, “God, don’t you think I could read something for once? Please send someone else.” In this moment, I can catch a glimpse of how Moses must have felt before he went to Pharaoh. Granted, the freedom of thousands who are enslaved aren’t hinged on my words. The more I sit with that thought, maybe they are. Our slavery might look different but I can’t help but wonder if from Heaven, our cries sound the same.
I’m still stumbling over my words as I write this, the exact line I keep asking God is, “what is it again that you want me to say?” Mixed in with my questions is the line from a young woman I used to mentor, “Brit - write about the thing that scares you the most”. I’m spiritually stomping my feet. I prefer vulnerability on my own terms. But, there’s this struggle in my spirit that is pleading to speak. This piece isn’t for everyone and that’s okay. But if it’s for you well then, here’s to you.
“God, how come she deserves someone but I don’t?” This thought crept in milliseconds into 10:02. I go down the mental checklist of everything I’ve done to deserve God’s favor. I know this isn’t how God works but when you're lonely at 10:02, you start checking the boxes. I start looking for something else I can give Him. Maybe then, He’ll hear me and do what I’ve been asking Him to do. Insecurity, anger, and doubt show up to the party, balloons, streamers, the whole nine yards. I teach on this stuff, I walk with others through this stuff, I know the verses and I know the techniques but when insecurity, anger, and doubt show up to a party. Things can get pretty ugly pretty quickly.
It’s as if within minutes, God and I have entered into an interrogation room of our own. I start questioning His timing and His plan for my life. I begin debating if it’s worth it. If living a life in full pursuit of Him is what I really want. Quickly, my mind reverts back to my last 27 years on this planet and every relationship that didn’t work out. What if it would have? Would I be happy? Would I be miserable? Would I feel stuck? Would I have ever found freedom in Christ? Or would I have been living the same day over and over again? By His Grace, I don’t have answers to these questions but at 10:03 pm this is what goes through my mind. I’m too old to be casual and too young for my concerns to carry weight. So rather than speaking them, I just spin them. By 10:04, insecurity has taken center stage. I know when it’s her, she repeats the same words. “You’re too much, too lonely, and too deep.” Then, in the tone of my favorite Taken cast member, Liam Neeson, insecurity boldly proclaims, “good luck.”
It’s 10:05 by this point. God has dropped a rope so He can pull me out of the hole I have dug. I hear Paul’s echo from 2 Corinthians 10:5B, “I take every thought captive and make it obey Christ.” Immediately I start to think about what I’m thinking about and within seconds, I catch a glimpse of light. I delete my apps faster than lightning, throw my phone on my nightstand, and begin to pray. Multiple tears have fallen by this point. I begin dispatching angels to my room and asking His Presence to fill the space. I teach this stuff, I preach this stuff, but when you’re lonely at 10:02 pm, it’s easy to forget this stuff.
Mentally, I’ve slapped a label that reads “these emotions look desperate. Please don’t touch.” The more I sit with them the more I know, these aren’t feelings of desperation but feelings of distrust. Surely, women of God, we’d never fully admit that we don’t trust Him. But, I’ll pull back the curtain in hopes of giving you permission to do the same.
I’m scared to admit that at times I think He won’t fulfill the desires of my heart. I’m scared to admit that I believe He can do good things through me but not for me. I’m scared to admit that His plan for my life and my hopes for this life don’t correspond. The Bible says His ways are higher than mine and I’m scared that I’ll miss the exit. Single women of God, I know we’d never admit this openly but I know you feel it. I know the sting of baby showers and bridesmaid dresses. All of which again, we’d prefer not to admit. I know the agony you feel when you’re asked at a family gathering, “will you ever settle down?” A question of which again, we can’t answer. I know the thought that floats in the back of your mind, the curiosity if God has called you to singleness, and the angst of what that might entail. I know this because I’m in this and if I’m not alone, that means you aren’t either.
I don’t have a quick fix for this. I don’t have a Rhema word you can go to, a podcast you can listen to, or a book that will make these feelings go away. But if I could, I’d pour you a cup of Sweet & Spicy tea and remind you of what you already know. God has good, big, purposeful plans for your life. This truth is hard to swallow but it’s the truth nonetheless, “God always ignores your present level of completeness in favor of your future ultimate completeness.” (O. Chambers) What we want now and what He knows we’ll need are often two different things. Take distrust captive and make it obey Christ. Insecurity, anger, and doubt don’t get the final say. God does. Remember, what the enemy can’t steal, kill, or destroy, he distracts. So stay focused. Cry if you need to, stomp if you must, but don’t stop following where God leads.