To Face, Two Faces

It’s been a while since we chatted! Welcome back to my writing!

If I am honest, this season has been really hard for me. Let me be clear, this has nothing to do with my career, my relationship, my friends, or my family. I have not experienced any sudden losses and my inner circle is stronger than it has ever been. Yet still, I am growing, coming to light with my past and speaking authentically with everyone around me. Honesty is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to encounter. Things hurt that haven’t hurt before and I am processing and unpacking decades of loneliness, shame, and abandonment fears. Even admitting that to my readers makes me cringe, there is nothing that whacks ya over the head quicker than the truth.

(insert frying pan on top of the head here) but let’s chat.

Have you ever felt like there were two versions of yourself running around, trying not to run into each other?

There was 13 year old Britney who was an active member in her youth group,  experienced life change at Power of One, was a three sport athlete, baptized in a 38 Acres shirt, but who also suffered with severe body image issues, struggled with overcoming an eating disorder, and hated sleeping away from her mom.

Then, there was 17 year old Britney who ran with the most popular kids in town, skipped class 4 days a week, and would show up 20 minutes late to first period with a sweet tea, singing Miley Cyrus. This Britney, also wrote deep poetry, was terrified of her journal ever coming to light, and longed for the days to which she could leave her home town.

Then, there was 19 year old Britney who was engulfed in her sorority and the college scene as a whole. She worked at a bar 3 nights a week and spent her off nights pretending to be “security” at local bars. This Britney knew she wasn’t 21 but decided to befriend every undercover officer and police officer in the entire county to ensure she’d stay out of trouble. She found comfort in a lot of things, mainly guys, and bounced through a couple of pretty insignificant relationships trying to speed along marriage. 19 year old Britney thought being married at a young age would be cool.  

Then there was 23 year old Britney who was really influential in her church community,  served on Sundays, was intertwined with the youth group and setting sails on missions to Africa. She had a really awesome hashtag about her travels #23adventuresduring23 but was also known as “vodka girl” for a good portion of the summer and struggled overcoming a breakup that she was convinced was her destiny. 23 year old Britney became 24 year old Britney and thought 30 sounded like a better age to settle down.  

Now, there is 25 year old Britney. This year has been a year of deep growth. I heard a sermon on December 31st that literally launched me into a life I had no intention of living out. I remember Ryan Weatherhead challenging us to “close our gaps” and asked us to ponder the simple thought “is the life you’re living right now, worth it?” When I went home that afternoon I started to journal my way through the sermon. I had a lot of gaps and to be honest, I didn’t even know if I was willing to close them. I really enjoyed my Friday and Saturday night’s out. I was a firm believer that there was power in dropping a few F bombs in the day and I was looking to fill an empty soul with temporary fixes, whether it was guys, staying out late, shopping, or traveling. I would have done anything to stay busy enough for my own world not to catch up with me. 

As I sat at my kitchen table, I made the decision to close the gaps and it started with sobriety. The decisions I was making under the influence weren’t decisions I could be making if I wanted to be an influence. I decided to throw in all my chips, get people lined up to support me, and move forward in His truth. If I am honest, when answering the question "is the life you're living right now, worth it?"  The answer was a definite, no.

I was traveling, laughing and life was good but I was also weeping, lonely and life was hard. Two versions of me, running around, at the exact same time, trying their best not to run into each other.

There is a new song by Hillsong Worship called New Wine. So many people have been raving about this song but if I am honest, I only listen to it for the one part where she says "this means we're getting back on the alter". 

The point of this blog post isn't to air dirty laundry, it isn't for petty, it isn't for comfort, and it definitely isn't for glamour. This is raw and uncomfortable but this is real. For the first time in my entire life, I don't feel like there are two of me running around anymore and I have to believe it's because over and over again, that means getting back on the alter.

My friend MJ posted a quote this morning that said “we couldn’t have gotten HERE until we’d been THERE” and I think that is true for my life. Every day God continues to remind me that my past, present, and future all carry equal weight. Without one, the other can’t come to fruition. We can’t help each other through stuff if we don’t allow ourselves to feel it. More importantly, if we aren’t willing to speak up about the truth in our seasons then what would be the point of us walking through it in the first place?

I don't know how many versions of you are running around. I don't know how heavy your season is and I don't know which version of you I know. But I would ask you what was asked of me, "is the life you're living right now, worth it?" 

What energy could you save if you consolidated? What lives could you change if you chose to live authentically? What obstacles could you over come if you chose to not be in it alone? How free could you be if you decided to step into truth and claim victory over the enemy?