Humility comes before honor.

"The fear of the Lord teaches a man wisdom and humility comes before honor." -Proverbs 15:33

Lately, I’ve been really wrestling with a couple different questions. The wrestling match goes like this: Why did God put me on such a soul destructive road for so long? He knew my heart and every desire of my being before I even came into this world. He knew I was filling voids with things that could only be filled through Him. So why did it take Him so long to uncover what He already knew to be true? Wouldn't life have been a little easier on both of us had he of just safeguarded my path for me, corrected me abruptly when I made the wrong move and maneuvered my life in a way that didn't cause Him any pain? Or, one of my most recent realizations, has He been doing it all along?

I have been looking for these answer for a few weeks now. In between pages of scripture, C.S. Lewis quotes, and my most commonly google search "bible verses that teach you about forgiveness", I have come up empty every time. It's interesting to me that when I look at my life, the one word that resonates most with me is forgiveness. The true test isn't can you forgive others, it is, can you forgive others AS you forgive yourself. Can you forgive yourself?

This morning, I was finally given an answer I have so desperately been searching for in four simple words, "humility comes before honor" (Proverbs 15:33)

These four words struck a chord with me. I thought He called me to be strong and courageous, not humble and held? You mean to tell me that before I can ever encounter the opportunity to step into righteousness, I first have to humble myself exactly where I am at, accept the roads I have walked down, and forgive myself for the testimony that I will stand on for years to come... AND YOU WANT ME TO BE CHILL ABOUT IT? 

That answer sounds really nice in writing but for me, it was still so complex. If I have learned anything it is that encountering the root of pain can be one of the toughest encounters to make. I feel like I am back in my 5-year-old body getting my shots for kindergarten. I am terrified of needles, I hate the doctor's office, but I know that without taking in this pain, I can't move forward. It's like everyone in the room is telling me to "just relax" and it will be over soon. 

If anyone has asked me over the last 2 weeks, I will tell you honestly that some of the things I am having to process through date back over the last 2 decades of my life. Working through these have been physically and emotionally draining on me. I can't seem to get enough quiet time and the more answers I search for the more questions I find. I have wrestled with some anger, a lot of loneliness, and taken off the "have to take care of people" armor I have worn so well since I was 6 because humility comes before honor. 

I have had to force myself into a state of stillness, to fully wrap my mind around the difference in believing in God and believing God. Trusting that the painful things that are working through my spirit are to prepare me for my next course and it really is okay to "just relax" because humility comes before honor.

In this season, I'm trying to be quieter with the words God is pressing into me each day. I am focusing on not exposing what is being revealed and learning to sit in His truth before shouting it to the world because humility comes before honor.

However, I know someone, actually, a lot of someones, are probably in the same boat as I was. Paddling for their life to try and make it to the other side when what you really need someone to tell you is "stop paddling, just float". There is a quote that says "the things that are meant for us, rest assured, will never miss us" and I think that goes hand in hand with the understanding that humility comes before honor.

 I'm working on forgiving myself during the paddle and trusting that the things injected into my soul, even though painful both then and now are being used to ensure that I am well equipped for the future I so often suck at predicting because humility comes before honor.

I'm working on forgiving the girl in the boat that was just trying to make it safe to the other side. Recognizing that she was really scared, really lonely, and really desperate to find some sort of solid ground. My heart hurts for her but I keep reminding her that she can indeed float. There are no holes in the boat, she will not sink, and paddling to the other side only distracts her from the beauty taking place during the paddle. 

These words aren't easy to speak out loud but I guess the good stuff never is. Sometimes we have to go under to see who is over and what a joy it has been to float these last few days, resting in confidence that God is exactly who He says He is.